Goodbye my sweet friend...

In loving memory of my sweet first furbaby, Tag.  RIP - January 23, 2012.  10 1/2 yrs old.

We received this plaster mold of Tag's paw today in the mail from the vet college.  How precious to have!

For a while now we knew our sweet Tag was getting close to our time to say goodbye.  But how can one EVER "prepare" for such a moment.  Of course, we always prayed he would just go to sleep and one morning we would wake to him resting in peace.  But that was not how it was to play out.

At 1am on the 23rd of this month, Tag kept needing to go outside, but wouldn't actually do anything.  Then after 1am I noticed him hunched over in our hallway.  I thought he was going to be sick, however, when I turned on the lights I saw blood down our hall runners.  Sadly Tag had started to bleed out from his rear end.  And it was that moment we knew our time had come.

I made the call to our vets office, which was closed, but patched our call through to the Vet Clinic on our university campus.  I explained what was happening, and that we felt it was time that we had no other choice but to say goodbye to our sweet boy.  We couldn't even try to make him wait until our own vet opened later that morning.  The clinic advised that they would be waiting for Tag and Brett, and had an emergency team waiting for them. 

What a moment to prepare to take our sweet boy for a final ride in the truck.  I just sat by Tag while Brett got dressed and gathered himself, and I just hugged and kissed him and thanked him for the many years he unconditionally loved me and took care of me and protected me and got me through so many difficult days.
Our other boxer, Bailey, stayed by his side too.

My final memory of Tag was getting to see how happy and excited he was to get to go for a final ride in the truck.  My final memory of Tag was of him at peace, and happy, and still his sweet sweet self.
And for that I am grateful.  We didn't have to ever see him in agony or complete demise. 
But watching him still so much his happy self made it just that much harder to say goodbye.

After Brett left, Bailey just stayed by the back door, pacing and drooling and whining.  She knew.  And I think she had known for a while, as the two of them would lay on the same pillow glued side by side for days before hand.  Even the day before this all happened, I should have known.  Tag would not leave my side for an instant, and was doing things that normally made him nervous, just to be by me.  So in my own heart I knew as well that something was on the rise.

What painful, and sad days these past few days have been.  And I received some other saddening news later that same morning we lost Tag...so instead of finding a ray of light, I found myself walking a dark road...and that just piled everything up.

Tag was the MOST amazing dog I've ever known.  So loving, SUCH a clown at heart, so protective and gentle.  He always found a way to make you laugh, and always made you feel so unbelievably and unconditionally loved and not judged.  He was truely my best friend.

It's hard now watching Bailey try to figure out where her brother is.  She is pretty down.  And that's hard to watch.  I've always worried about how she would react when we would have to say goodbye to Tag.  So I've had her with us EVERYWHERE we go, and have gone to the off-leash park the past 2 days.  I know people don't think dogs "get it" or feel grief...but I beg to differ.  Dogs know emotion.  I know they know emotion.  All you have to do is look in to your dogs eyes when YOU are hurting, and you see that all they want to do is take that saddness away.  And when they lose their partner...they grieve.

I choose to believe that heaven holds a special place for our sweet furbabies.  I like to believe that my heavenly children were there waiting to greet their turn with Tag.  I imagine all 4 of my heavenly angels taking turns hugging Tag and loving him.  And that's what I keep in my mind and heart.

We always say how fast time goes by.  But when you lose someone you love...you realize just HOW fast that time goes.  We had Tag for 10 1/2 years.  That's a lot for a boxer.  But I still remember the day we went to "just look" at him, planning not to jump in to buying him...but we saw him, bought him and never looked back.  I remember holding him in a blanket on the way home, the way he snuggled in to my neck.  I remember every year with him.  He was amazing, and he will never be matched.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE my Bailey as well in her own way, and the day we have to say goodbye to her...will be another heart wrenching day.  She is my lover-doggy.  My compassionate one.  All she cares about is pleasing us and making us happy and loving us to no end.

What a treasure our pets our.  They are more than just animals.  They are our family.  And losing one of them is losing family.

We love you always sweet Tag, and you will never EVER be forgotten!

Unexpected zinger...

Tonight Brett, Evan and I were playing Hungry Hippo.  Evan loves this game!

But as the three of us were playing and giggling...it hit me...that fourth empty hippo spot where Zac would have been laughing and cheating along with his brother.

And it stung.  Of course it stung...it always will sting.

But on we carried with our game.  And the laughter carried on as well.

These moments will always come.  I know that.  It just always catches my breath when they hit.

Loving all my angels along with my earthly miracle!

Some times you get a smack when you need it...

I'm reading a book called Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets.  I want to learn more about prayer, because I feel like a prayer mouse...certainly no prayer warrior.  And I want to become a warrior.
Not a crazed bible-thumping, cliche spurting neurotic...I just want to know HOW to pray more effectively.
And whenever I heard the term "intercessory prayer groups/people"...I thought of them as "bible-thumping, cliche spurtic neurotics".  I'm sorry...I certainly do NOT mean to be disrespectful.  Not in the least!  This is just me being honest to myself.  I just never UNDERSTOOD what intercessory prayer really was!

As I have been reading this book...I can't put it down.  I hate having to stop.  I'm learning so much, and it is stretching me and testing me and, well, lets say it like it is...convicting me.  In a GOOD way!  Not condemning me...not shunning me for my lack of prayer life or strength...just convicting me in the sense that there is SO much to be learned!!

Today I texted a friend.  That text simply said "Lacking hope today..."
I was.  I fight with that.  I fight with optimism and pessimism.  I struggle with days of stength of a lion and days of the weakness of a fly.
Today felt more a struggle for me because my mind started to over-power the truth that no matter what...God loves me.  No matter what may lay ahead...He will carry me through.  My choice is to allow Him to love me and carry me, or for me to try to "take over" and manage it on my own.

This afternoon I was walking on my treadmill and reading (yes, I multitask that way from time to time...which tells you how "hard" my "workout" really was!) and at the end of one chapter a sentence simply said:

"DENY UNBELIEF ACCESS.  YOU CAN DO IT!"

(Yes, I'm adding the bold, italic larger font!)

And that was the loving smack on the back of the head that I needed to hear from God today.
Deny unbelief access!  My mind is powerful in wanting to "take over".  My mind is weak to the battle at times.  My mind creates scenarios and situations that have not (and may never) come to pass.  But because of that simple allowance of letting unbelief enter my mind...I lose.  I lose the battle.  And I start to crumble.  And I don't like it...and I don't want it.  Not now.  Not ever.

We will always have our less than perfect days.  We will always feel a degree of weakness.  Of course the enemy wants us to hear the whispers of unbelief.  But we can slam the door on it.  We CAN choose to ignore the lies.  It's not always easy.  I'll never say it is.  But we NEED to deny that unbelief.  We NEED to hold firm to the promises of God, that no matter what...good or bad, joyful or painful, planned as we desired or NOT planned as we desired...God WILL give us the comfort, strength and courage to move forward.

Today I needed a smack...and I got it.  And I'm glad!

Christmas morning...and stitches to boot!

I couldn't ask for a more priceless, precious gift!

My sweet boy Tag.  Having some fun of his own :)

Ever tried to get a nice picture with two silly dogs?!

Evan in his Santa jammies

Hungry Hippo here we come!!

Completing our "sports center"

Our "excitement" from last night.  Huge gash...

and 4 stitches later!  Oh my heart!

Well Christmas was full of fun, family and excitement.

Brett, Evan and I all slept in until almost 11am, which in itself was a nice gift!  And then it was time to open the mound of gifts that "Santa" left under the tree!  So much fun watching Evan and his little face light up. 
Then it was off for dinner one of two!  Off to Brett's parents to enjoy our first turkey dinner!  It's hard to pace yourself when it all tastes so yummy, but you know that within hours you are going to be gearing up for turkey dinner number two!  And that's what happened that same evening :)  YUMMMM!

Evan had so much fun with all his cousins.  And it was definitely fun to spend time with both sides of the family!

Then the "excitement" of last night!  Evan had run in to his bedroom, and moments later I heard "the cry" and started to head to him, only to see him racing to me holding his head with blood gushing from his forehead!  I just instantly scooped him up and started to go in to panic mode.  Thank goodness for my level-headed, calm (good poker face daddy!) husband!!  He moved my hand and said "we need to go the the ER now".  So I wrapped Evan up in his blanket...no boots or jacket (he was in the process of getting ready for bed!).  Just bundled him in his jacket with a compress on his head and held him to the hospital.  When we got to ER admitting the nurse came and asked what happened and I told her he cut his forehead open...and then she moved the compress.  I hadn't actually seen HOW bad the gash was...and when I saw it I just started to shake and cry.  It was NASTY!
She dug out Evan's health card from my purse as I couldn't move my hands from Evan and told me to go straight to little peds ER and she would bring the card to me.
The doctor came and said it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.  Ummmmmmmmm...when you can see that far in to a kids layers of skin...that's bad for a mommy!
He put on numbing cream on the gash and then gave Evan a mild sedative in apple juice. 
Brett had to keep reminding me (lovingly of course!) to "keep it together".  And seriously...Evan was SO brave!!!!! 
The sedative was actually kinda funny!  Evan was all goofy but in a "drunk" kind of way...and he would NOT stop chatting!  He chatted up a storm with every nurse and the doctor and us.  One actually couldn't help but giggle.
When they did the stitches Brett held Evan's head still, the nurse held Evan's one hand and I had my head on his chest and held his other hand.  All Evan cared about was the string he could keep seeing as the doctor stitched.  He was just so intrigued by that stitch.
Then Evan and I talked about the nurses stethascope and how it was just like Dr. Wonko's (Evan's neonatologist), and the doctor asked how we knew Neil (Dr. Wonko) so I explained that Evan and his twin brother Zac were born at 28 weeks, and Dr. Wonko was one of Evan's doctors and who does his follow ups.  I then also explained how I must have seemed like an irrational basket case mother for being such a mess...but after spending so many months in the hospital...we have seen enough of the inside of that place.

Anyhow, after the stitches were done (Evan didn't even flinch the whole time!) the nurse gave him a blue popsicle.  Again...like watching a little drunk person trying to lick a cold popsicle but not totally "with it" to realize his mouth was cold!  He ate it all the way home.  Lets just say I have one winter jacket to wash now, and his face around his mouth is still blue from the dye!
When we got home he kept begging for another popsicle.  Thank goodness I had freezies!  And then I took him to bed with me and we watched one of his movies before he finally caved and went to sleep.
He was up once in the night, but I think he had bonked his stitches.
And today he is back to his old self and trying to do summersaults!  And here I am chasing after him making him be still!  Fortunately he caved for a nap this afternoon and is still sleeping.

I know that this is likely the first of many scrapes, cuts, bumps, etc...but I am praying against any more episodes of racing to the ER for stitches, and praying for his little bones to be made of steel so he never faces a broken bone!  I don't know how much my heart could take of watching him go through these things.

It's hard enough knowing he still has another hernia repair on the horizon.  His first was one week after he came home.  And he has had this belly button hernia since as well, but that one they don't repair until they are 4 or 5...something like that.  But just KNOWING that he will face another surgery and I will hand him off to someone once again as he is taken to the OR...makes me sick to my stomach.  HOWEVER, that is still a bit down the road so no sence in panicking about it now!

All in all it has been a  good holiday.
I was able to "sneak" out by myself on Christmas day as well to just go and sit and have a visit at the cemetery and talk with my Zac and my Ethan, Jack and Whisper.  And that meant a lot to me too.  It was quite a nice day so I was able to take my little fold up chair and sit and journal as well. 


Being with family is so important...and that includes my angels.  All my family! :)

From an innocent, tender-loving six year old heart...

On Christmas Eve my family was over at our house.

Before most arrived, I was in the kitchen getting stuff ready and my precious 6 year old nephew came and kept me some company.  He looked at a snow-globe that I have with one side a picture of Zac and the other a picture of Evan.  He asked if the picture of Zac was when he died, and I told him no, that was just before while we got to spend time with him.  And then he said something that touched my heart to tears...

Finley:  "Auntie Heather, remember when we let go of all those balloons for Zac last year?"

Me:  "Sure do buddy!  I'm going to do it again this year!  And you are more than welcome to come again!"

Finley:  "I think those balloons are going to land on your house, and in them are going to be letters from God about Zac and letters from Zac too!"

Me:  "Finley, I think that is the best idea ever!  And I love that!  Thank you!"

And then off he went to play with the other kids.

Knock the wind right out of me.  You have to understand...my nephew gets what happened with Zac.  He knows about his cousin thanks to his precious mommy and daddy.  My sister-in-law always mentions Zac's name to the kids...and it is pure music to my ears and to my heart to know she isn't uncomfortable and trying to "hush" my son.  She feels him as much as our family as I do...and I adore her to no end for that.  She has no idea how very very much I love her for that.  And I love that my nephew sees Zac's picture and says "Hey!  That's Zac!"  I love it.  And I'm greatful.

It took everything in me not to shed some tears in front of him after he shared such a precious thought...but the smile that came to my face at such an innocent idea, and such a precious image of that very thing...it took over.  I just smile when I think of that thought!

A very precious gift to me indeed!

Christmas Time...

My little drummer boy

Zac and Evan's Christmas tree ornaments

Zac, Ethan, Jack, Whisper and Evan's stockings

Christmas time again.  

It has been just over three years that we found out we lost Jack and Ethan.  Weeks before Christmas.

This is our second Christmas without Zac beside his twin brother.

And the ache will always remain.  How could it not?!  Four of our five children will not be opening presents or sneaking through their stockings.  They are not here for family gatherings or pictures with Santa.  

But...they ARE here.  They are here because we carry them in our hearts and memories.  They are here because we love them.  They are here because we are not afraid to allow them to remain a part of our Christmas traditions we are creating.  They will always be here with us.  And one day we will be with them singing heavenly Christmas carols and praising and rejoicing in gift given through the birth of Jesus.  We will be together again because a precious baby boy entered this world to grow up among us and walk among us...and to represent himself to and through us.  

How greatful I am for that gift.  How honored I am that through His life I am given eternal life with Him and with all our children and all His children.

I will say that this season hasn't been filled with JUST the ache of our missing children.  It has been another new year of experiences and memories and laughter and learning and humble gratitude of the gift of our own son...our precious Evan.

This little boy...growing so quickly it takes my breath away...is more gift than I could ever ask for.

We have been having so much fun with new adventures.  Our latest...Evan helping me with my shortbread cookies.  He was my official "sprinkle helper".  Yes...mounds of sprinkles ended up on each cookie...but what a precious memory.

Then tonight I called our home line from my cell and got Evan to answer it.  I started laughing in the "ho ho ho" Santa laugh...as deep as I could get my voice to go.  And I spent a good 5 minutes talking to Evan from my closet and watching him as he was talking "to" Santa and telling him all sorts of things.  It was HILARIOUS!

My little boy is growing so fast.  And all I want to do is cling to every single moment with all I have.  I don't want to miss a second.  I don't want to blink...because it just goes so fast!

He is my treasure.  My joy.  My smile.  My laughter.  He is my heart and my soul.

I have so many hopes, dreams and prayers for him and his life.  I see the strength he possesses, the wisdom he carries, the determination and strong-will nature he holds.  His goofy personality that loves to laugh and make others laugh.  And I just pray that he will always know how much I love him.  How proud I am of him.  How much I pray that his strength never feels defeat.  That his wisdom never wavers.  That his determination and strong-willed nature will never take a beating.  That he will never forget to laugh.  That life will never take that from him.  And that he will always encourage those around him to laugh as well.  That he will be a leader with a kind and gentle heart.  That he will be accepting without compromising his beliefs and faith.

These are the gifts I pray for him this Christmas season.  The gifts that can't be wrapped and taped.  The gifts that truly count and matter.

He is my gift.  All my children are such a blessing and such a gift to me!  So when I am asked what I've asked Brett to get me for Christmas...what could I possibly want that could fill me the way the gift of our children have filled me!  

And for the gift of that precious baby Jesus...who carries us through our lives!

Praying for Christmas blessings, and for a New Year filled with only the love and joy and support He can provide!

Give Me Faith...

Give Me Faith

(For The Honor - Elevation Worship)

I need You to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need You to open my eyes

To see that You're shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say

That You're good and Your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need You to pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak

But Your Spirit's strong in me

My flesh may fail

But my God, You never will

If you ever have the chance to pick up this CD...DO IT!  It's great.  This song is one that I listen to over and over...and every time it brings me to tears.  Speaks to my very core.

I am so thankful for music, and the way God ministers through it!  I'm thankful for a God that loves, and for a God who brings comfort and peace and compassion.

I'm thankful for a God who never fails.  And who always has time to wrap His arms around me!